THE BIRDS AND THE BEES, WHY NOT ME?

My wonderful children

My wonderful children

I am moving in eight days, again.  When I had all my kids at home (all ten of them) they used to love to shock people by telling them we have moved 19 times over the years.  Am I military? you might ask.  No, not at all.  Then why would I move so many times, especially with such a large family.  Good question and one that is too complex for me to delve into today, maybe I do not even understand totally.

But all that moving certainly did produce well-rounded people, with not much need for the security that comes with a ‘permanent home’ (is that maybe a bit of an illusion, anyway?).  One of my comments used to be that I wanted my children to have their security inside of them, not in external circumstances.  most of my kids are in their own homes.  My youngest is at the stage that he has one foot in and the rest out, sort to speak.

40751a83-9290-46c4-9c60-675b8d140d8a_zpsxxhazwfqI have a dream that I have been chasing for many years – building up a non-profit to help empower people who are helping others.  Needless to say, this has created a lifestyle for me that is not too security-based.  I am now 60 and I continue to believe and give and live for my passion, for my dream.   I have to be out of my apartment in eight days and just found a place to sub-let yesterday.  I act like I eat stress for every meal and enjoy the flavor, but lots of times my insides churn and I fight that enemy, anxiety.

BUT, I have been living like this for 40 years now (40 years!) and it appears that the older I get and the more my kids are independent, the more I feel driven to shed my ‘stuff’ and be free to keep trying to fly.  One of the biggest struggles has been always, over the years, finances.  Even freedom costs money.  The lack thereof and the pressure produced by that lack tends to produce anxiety.  Sometimes big, bad, ugly anxiety.  How do I deal with this damaging enemy of mine??  I have faith in a higher being than myself.  I believe in God and that He is directing and guiding my life.

I have this impression these days, and I might be wrong, that it might be more accepted for me to make known that I am gay (though I am not) than for me to announce that I believe in God and that I hear His voice and that I try to follow Him with a passion.  My struggle with beginning to blog was this:  do I hide my faith in the closet?  I want to be accepted, I want to build my readership, I want people to read my words and I long to encourage people.  So, do I hide the very thing that sustains me?   I do not attend church but my faith and my belief that I am following divine direction keeps me a bit saner as I push through the brambles and thorns of life, to see people set free.

As I stated in the beginning, I am moving.  And it is all very precarious at this point.  I developed a migraine headache yesterday.  A bad one – I thought, uh-oh, I know these signs, that stupid stress monster is rearing its ugly head and making me sick.  I cannot sleep.  So this morning, I turned to my Bible.  I stopped.  I got on my yoga mat.  I stopped.  I got quiet.  I tuned in to something in me, yet so much bigger than me.  I was led to John 14:1.  “Let your heart not be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me.”  Then I opened a very old devotional book I had on my shelf – have not opened it for a long time.  Opened to this:  “do not worry about your life, what you shall eat, or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you will put on…”  Matt. 6:25.     For years and years and years, when I find myself out on a ledge once again – needing to jump and needing to believe that ‘He’ will catch me, I always have to come back to this same question.  ‘Is my God real?  Or am I crazy?’   And time after time after time after time, He has proved to me, He is real (and yes, I am a bit crazy).

So, here is my story, here is my song.  The real one.  The continuing saga of a simple woman, with ten kids and now 8 grandchildren, still determined that my God is real and that He cares for us and that we really can make a difference.

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One thought on “THE BIRDS AND THE BEES, WHY NOT ME?

  1. Cheri, as you may know, I’m not Christian, but when I read your post it still spoke to me. You have such a sincerity to your faith and to how you live your life that few Christians do. Most people claim to have ‘faith’ because it is what they grew up with or what they’re expected to do. You are different, and you lead your life in an honest and spiritual way, not doing things using God as an excuse but as a guide, and out of it you touch so very many people.

    Back to the point about being a Christian. Usually when I read people quoting bible verses I roll my eyes and move on, because at best it’s an affectation, and isn’t ‘real’. What’s different in this case is that you and I share an understanding of a higher power and how it works and interacts with us, regardless of the name one uses for it or how it’s described. This power pushes us to do good, to be better people, to challenge ourselves. The same voice you hear that comforts you as you prepare to move gave me the strength to climb a very steep hill back in Nica, and gave me the courage to strike out as a freelance writer. It tells me who to trust and when to jump.

    I guess I’m posting here to reassure you that it’s not insanity, it’s an understanding that we are not alone in this universe. Even if we still struggle as human beings to comprehend that power, and try to come to terms with who or what guides and pushes and consoles us, and even if we call it by different names (Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, or in my case, nothing at all), it doesn’t make it any less real. And what I think is most amazing of all, even though you and I label our beliefs with different names, in the end, our understanding is much the same.

    I wish you all the best with your move (and overcoming the migraine!) and hope to see you soon.

    Like

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