This morning my heart is so very heavy and to be honest, a bit scared. The what ifs are screaming – I hate what-ifs. What if we cannot help everyone? What if we fail?
This is always where I have no choice but to reach down deep in my soul and grab hold of my faith that there IS a God – there is Someone Else who cares even more than I do, than we do about the victims of the flooding that happened in my very own communities in Tola, Nicaragua a month ago. So many affected families!! I woke this morning with my neck in knots and my stomach also. But I also was grateful that I know a remedy – it just takes some effort and taking a bit of time alone. I grabbed my yoga mat and my Bluetooth speaker and headed out to the sun. I first chose music that pulled and tugged at the pain in my heart – that made it come to the surface and also caused the tears to flow. I bent and bowed and reached to the sky. I cried loud, from my gut. Nobody was around – I could do this without inhibitions. It hurt but my heart was thankful that I acknowledged the pain, that I unburied it. Strangely, it felt right.
Then I chose a song called “It is going to be worth it all”. I sang it loud. Then the old one “It is well with my soul”. Some Yanni, a bit of Cello with the Piano Guys. 30 minutes later, I paused. I laid down. I rested. My heart rested and was grateful. This feat of helping so many is not up to me. It is even not up to all the amazing volunteers who are giving of themselves. We are the hands and the feet, even more than that, we are Love, we are Hope. WE SEE YOU. Someone cares. We are in this together.
Today I am moving my suitcases out of the comfortable, warm loving home of my daughter and going into the pueblo. I will enjoy the many meals of Gallo Pinto (rice and beans) with my pueblo friends, I might fight off some monster mosquitos, I might not sleep with A/C, but I will be there. I will see and hug and cry and Know. I am honored to be an expat here because I have access to resources that my pueblo friends do not. I have access to the internet and caring people flung across many places. I am not alone. We are not alone.
It seems so strange to me but it is true, that when I allow my heart to hurt, I become more resolved and stronger for the fight. Some families have lost their entire homes but even more have lost walls, as the photo above. The Wells are contaminated and no clean drinking water. I will share in next posts encouraging stories of all the hearts and hands that are helping and also stories as I visit the people and take photos and interviews. Come along with me on this journey!